Act Like You Know: Johnny Damon and Gator vs. Gramma

Fri Dec 30, 04:49 PM by Joseph McClune

So Johnny Damon, the “hottest ass in baseball” (thank you Fever Pitch (Yes I saw it. Yes you will receive a written letter of apology.)) is slated to sign with the Yankees as of Tuesday night. Who cares? Not me. Except for that whole “hottest ass” thing. When I saw Fever Pitch they showed that man’s ass on the big screen. Flat as a board guys. Flat. As. A Board. I checked it out myself. Flat. The man has no ass. It is as if the first 20 years of his life were spent anchored by the baseball field in Dazed and Confused, constantly being assblasted with the FAH Q senior’s paddle.

Let’s make a list of who cares about this whole Johnny Damon thing:

And let’s not forget the vast majority here:

Anyone else? I don’t think so. And you know why not? Because these two teams can go to hell. They have the two largest payrolls in sports, the most spoiled players, the most obnoxious fans, the smallest penises, and now apparently both of them will be (or have been) home to the Flattest Ass in Baseball. Also I have been to Boston airport on a stopover to Pittsburgh, and as far as I could see that place sucks. It seriously did suck, I’m not kidding. There aren’t very many things that just straight up suck, but Boston: you are one of them.
(A sidenote: Oakland has one of the lowest payrolls in baseball and like, they compete. Also Oakland is awesome. Just a sidenote.)

Another place that sucks is Florida. To be fair I have quite a few friends in different areas of Florida, and I do always have a good time when I go out there. However, I am positive that the reason I have a good time is because we sit around in their houses getting hammered, as opposed to wandering around the hellish nightmare that is the Sunshine State.

“Hellish nightmare?!” you may ask/exclaim?
Yes.
You might further portend to query “But how can that be?!”
Well let me entertain your foolish query.

First of all, Florida is hot. It’s not quite as hot as the desert in the daytime, but it is definitely less pleasant, because of the humidity. I cannot count the times in Florida I have stepped outside and immediately soaked through my shirt. Second of all, I think it’s pretty obvious that they have a hurricane problem there. Third, there is a prevalence of the following things:

1. Alligators
So, I didn’t realize this until my most recent trip to Florida, But there are fucking ALLIGATORS there. You have heard the stories, and discounted them—it’s no joke man. The worst is that there are A Lot Of Them! And they will eat you. Serious here folks. Gators.

2. Old People
So, I didn’t realize this until my most recent trip to Florida, But there are fucking OLD PEOPLE there. You have heard the stories, and discounted them—it’s no joke man. The worst is that there are A Lot Of Them! And they will eat you. Serious here folks. Gators.

3. Sketchy white people
A perhaps little-known fact about the fine state (not!) of Florida: It is a bastion of white trash mania. Not just your normal white trash either. I’m talking undercover white trash. People who act and look like normal law-abiding non-sister-fucking citizens, and yet…are they missing a back tooth and do they maybe have red, white and blue feathered eagle tattooed on their ass?

4. People who can’t drive for shit
This is true about most of America, but the fact that I was just in New York (home of the amazing blind but invincible cabdriver) compounds this fact in my mind: People in Florida cannot drive for SHIT, man. On no less than 5 (yes, F-I-V-E) occasions on a single drive during our last trip, we were minding our own business driving, and we were merged into by some asshole who did not look in his/her/its mirror. True story. This cannot be an aberration.

I think this pretty well explains it. If on the contrary you are unable to see how the above points relate to Florida’s status as a shithole, perhaps I should resort to some math:

Let us take the amount of old people I counted while in Florida (250), and divide this by the distance I covered in Florida (about 350 miles) in order to get a rough population density estimate:

250 olds / 350 miles =
0.714285 olds per mile (opm)

Now let us take the number of alligators I saw in 2 minutes while travelling at about 50 mph on the highway in Florida (3) and find their corresponding population density:

3 alligators / ( 50 mph x ( 2/60 hrs) =
1.8 alligators per mile (apm)

Let us now do some addition in order to find our final result:

0.714285 opm
+1.8 apm
2.514285 OOAPM (Olds Or Alligators Per Mile)

These statistics taken in tandem are outright staggering! The implication here is that any given mile of Florida travelled will yield a minimum of 2.5 people or alligators. (I say a minimum because alligators are known for being able to hide pretty well, so I might not have seen them.)

In any case, fuck the Yanks. Fuck the Sox. Fuck Florida.

PS: I prefer to call them the Bronx Bumlookers.

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