Act Like You Know: Kobe Bryant Sucks, and So Does Your iPod

Wed Jan 25, 08:52 PM by Joseph McClune

To be fair, the only reason I really feel the need to comment on Kobe right now is because there are many people in the world who still, after all this time, think that Kobe Bryant is a legitimate, worth-possessing human being. They furthermore feel vindicated by the fact that Kobe scored 81 points the other night against the Raptors. I will dispel their ridiculous notions, and will do so in an orderly, reasonable fashion. But not before I make this clear to all of the idiots who invariably spout nonsense (“81 points!” “He was acquitted!”) when I say anything negative about Kobe:

Yes, Kobe is really, really good at the game of basketball. That’s great. Now shut up.

Reasons Why Kobe Bryant Definitely Sucks.

1) I like to think of pro athetes as my friends. The problem is that none of my friends have been accused of rape, and subsequently gone on TV to publicly embarass his embarassingly hot wife by affecting some overly solemn facial expression while saying the word “adultery,” all the while attempting to pretend that he’s not really just a 25 year old idiot.

I understand that being rich and being accused of something by an idiotic woman go hand in hand. What I take issue with is the whole not-being-accountable-for-my-millionaire-ass thing.

Reason #1: Kobe is a Douchebag

2) One of the first lessons I learned was that when playing with others, it is very important to share. 81 points – January 22, 2006. CAISH CLOSHED!

Reason #2: Kobe does not know how to share

3) Another of those lessons, this time from later childhood is that you don’t snitch on people. You do not tattle. Kobe talked to the cops about Shaq. Yeah, Shaq is big, and can handle himself fine I’m sure. The fact is, Shaq was his teammate, and snitching on your teammate is not cool.

Reason #3: Kobe is a snitch

4) The fourth reason I will list has less to do with Kobe than it does with the reporter who was interviewing his teammate Smush Parker after the 81-point game. Because I am lazy I am not going to recount the interview in its original detail, but will instead resort to a brief version:

Lady: Smush, Kobe is great huh?
Smush: Yeah lady he is good.
Lady: Wasn’t that just AMAZING?
Smush: I mean, he does the same thing in practice every day.
Lady: Wasn’t that just AMAZING??
Smush: I was more impressed by our defense.
Lady: Wasn’t that just AMAZING???
Smush: Whatever lady.

Smush was not having this lady’s nonsense, and honestly, I do not blame him. She wasn’t listening to a thing he was saying to her, and the result was embarassing for both the lady, and Kobe.

Reason #4: Kobe does not keep his hoes in check

I was going to write a second half of this article, but I really think it would detract from the whole thing about Kobe sucking. Given all of the above reasons, I honestly would not want Kobe as a friend. I don’t think most people would.

I will let you ruminate this and come back soon to tell you why your iPod probably sucks. See if you can remedy this before you realize I am talking to you.

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