Act Like You Know: Why Your iPod Sucks
Wed Feb 15, 05:06 AM by Joseph McClune
There is a common perception in the world that musical tastes fall within the realm of the subjective. While I suppose this is technically true, it doesn’t mean there aren’t certain limits on what humans should and should not listen to. Unfortunately, the ability of the Average American to exercise good judgement in this respect has never been especially keen, as has been illustrated by the Billboard charts over the last 40 years. To compound this, the recent surge in popularity of the iPod has made everyone’s choices in music visible to any casual observer.
After long and physically exhausting research (bending down to see every passer-by’s iPod is a bit of a chore, and has gotten me slapped and chased a number of times), I have compiled a cursory yet adequate list of examples by which you will find:
I know, I have heard it before: “Opinions are not WRONG,” “Who are YOU to tell ME what to like,” “What makes your taste superior to mine,” even “Fuck that guy, he’s an asshole.” While all of these questions/assertions are not fundamentally incorrect, I believe I have found something we can all agree on, just as a basic tenet: Third Eye Blind is a Really Shitty Band.
Before you jump on my back and ask if I have perused the band’s entire catalogue, I will head you off at the proverbial pass:
No. I haven’t. I can safely say that I have heard no more than an album’s worth of songs, and only maybe 4 of those more than once. And honestly, one of them was good. Because it was an instrumental. And Stephan Jenkins’ lisp wasn’t constantly alerting me to the fact that there was shitty music on. (Incidentally, I have nothing against people with lisps, but when you take yourself as seriously as that guy does…I dunno, but fuck him.)
Along with the old Third Eye Blind, there is a lot of other music that falls into the category of “You should probably be ashamed that you listen to that crappy crap crap.” Stuff like:
*Nickelback
*Creed
*Black Eyed Peas
*Clay Aiken
*Disturbed
*Jason Mraz
*Matisyahu
*Godsmack
*Avenged Sevenfold, etc.
This is the sort of music that, if you have it on your iPod and some random person is browsing it, they might feel the need to take you down a peg or two. They are derivative, tiresome, and devoid of any sort of original talent. Godsmack is NAMED AFTER AN ALICE IN CHAINS SONG. You see what I’m getting at.
Unfortunately this is not where it stops. There is a lot of other music that I like to refer to as “very close to totally shitty.” If relied on as a sole listening medium, the following can hurt your brains, and worse—it can taint your fragile, sheep-like “appreciation” for music:
*Coldplay (AKA Piano trance + guitars)
*John Mayer (I know, he’s adorable)
*Linkin Park (so I have a soft spot for post-teen angst)
Again, you get my drift. The point here is that if you find yourself humming along to a muzak version of “Clocks” in the supermarket, you need to augment your selection with some non-crap. Even if the non-crap is just Radiohead, System of a Down, Jimmy Eat World, Kanye, Jeezy, SOMETHING that isn’t a ridiculous pile of steaming ass. If you’re lucky you might even stumble upon something you have never heard of!
Seriously, people. We are deep in the midst of an epidemic of musical idiocy, and it needs to stop. Next time you need something to listen to, don’t listen to the radio. Maybe ask your cooler cousin for a CD or two. Maybe check out some of the stuff that Gabe has been reviewing. Whatever you do, just don’t get caught listening to Korn on your iPod. Or Jamie Foxx. Or the newest Chemical Brothers. Or Sheryl Crow. Or U2. Right, I forgot. Fuck U2.
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