Booze Guy: I love Scotch, Scotchy Scotchy Scotch

Fri Mar 10, 08:30 PM by

Twelve years ago I was in my senior year of high school, mere months away from graduation, OJ Simpson hadn’t killed anyone yet (that we know of), and the other Simpsons were still funny.

Also twelve years ago, some guy in Scotland sealed up a cask of fine Scotch whiskey and it began its wait until it could be consumed by discerning Scotch drinkers of the present day.

I like Scotch. Sure, I like it fine. But Scotch is really damn expensive for some reason. I’m not even talking about insanity like Johnny Walker Blue, with its god damn two hundred dollars a bottle bullshit. Even regular Scotch costs a lot in comparison to the other concoctions you’ll find on the shelf of your local liquor store.

Almost all the Scotch up at Thirsty Liquors (my Packie of choice) was in the 30-40 dollar range (which surprised me since when I lived in New Orleans I used to be able to pick up a bottle of Chivas Regal at the gas station across the street for like 20 bucks). I think the Scotch section may have been second only to the Tequila section in terms of average priceyness, and that’s probably only because they didn’t carry Usquaebach.

But the wife and I, we were in a Scotchy mood, and I’m afraid only Scotch was going to suffice for tonight. Then I saw it. There on the bottom shelf, tucked into the corner and bearing a price tag of only 19.99 was OLD SMUGGLER.

This is a bottle of Old Smuggler. The label means it is respectable.

Three years ago, I was living in a tiny one room apartment in Metairie, Louisiana and working for a now defunct online hotel booking company. The Space shuttle Columbia had just been destroyed, and no one knew yet that Martha Stewart was a fucking crook.

Also three years ago, some guy put the lid on a bucket of OLD SMUGGLER and let it sit in his basement until it could be enjoyed by the gasoline-swilling motherfuckers who buy Scotch for 19.99, i.e., me.

Don’t get me wrong. OLD SMUGGLER is not all that bad. But I could have bought the same size bottle of KARKOV VODKA for half the price and been just as drunk. I guess what I’m trying to say is there’s absolutely no point in buying cheap Scotch because cheap Scotch is exactly like cheap Anything Else, and cheap Anything Else is cheaper.

But for tonight I’ll remember the good ol’ days of 2003, when my bottle of OLD SMUGGLER was born, and I’ll hear the sounds of bagpipes and Braveheart in my head and maybe I’ll steal your wife or your freedom or smash your face with this sweet ball and chain or what the fuck am i talking abou

Usquaebach is some good shit.

SCORE: nineteen zimas, but only fifteen smirnoff ices

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