I'm a Stupid Girl, but Not as Stupid as Coldplay
Mon Mar 13, 02:21 PM by
I was sort of kind of dating this boy recently who had the troubling habit of forgetting that he should pay attention to me. Some of you might say, forget about it, but as some of you may also know, I am a girl. There is something inside of me that is hard wired to track even the tiniest details of a developing relationship in the same way a Star Wars geek would pick over George Lucas’s dead rotting carcass. “Obsession” is a good word I guess. Anyway, it was driving me crazy that this boy wasn’t madly in love with me. I mean what’s not to love? I even started making excuses for him. I thought, “Maybe boys just don’t get that excited about girls.” But then I remembered having heard love songs. Countless love songs, written by boys. In these love songs the boys really do sound all worked up about girls. So why isn’t this boy like that with me? Why isn’t he up writing songs in the middle of the night by candlelight, hoping that I will call?
I took this quandary to my guy friend. I pointed out that these sorts of songs indicate that boys do, in fact, sometimes feel this way about girls. Yet in my experience, boys don’t seem to feel this way, or at least, not about me. He explained that when guys write those songs they are about girls that are not present. It’s always about longing and yearning. That when a girl is available it all becomes less urgent.
What happened next is I was talking to my boss about it. I told her about my friend’s proposition that all love songs written by boys are about non-present women. I guess she didn’t think it was a valid theory because she came back with evidence to refute it. The next day at work she showed up with a mix CD her and her husband had spent the night making. Based on data compiled from 80’s love songs, they put together a CD of love songs written, by boys, about women who are present. The following is a list of songs on that CD:
1. Kiss Is On My List – Hall & Oates
2. Something About You – Level 42
3. You Are the Sunshine of My Life – Stevie Wonder
4. Lady in red – Chris deburgh
5. If This Is It – Huey Lewis & the News
6. Never Tear Us Apart – INXS
7. Then I Met You – Proclaimers
8. Keep on Lovin You – REO Speedwagon
9. Every Time You Go – Paul Young
10. True – Spandeau ballet
11. I Believe In Fate – Sebadoh
12. The Longest Time – Billy Joel
13. Just Can’t Get Enough – Depeche Mode
14. P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) – Michael Jackson
15. Just What I Needed – The Cars
16. Hurts So Good – John Cougar Mellencamp
17. Jolene – Cake
18. Janine – Soul Coughing
19. Being Around – Lemonheads
20. Soul Mate – Sebadoh
21. Hold Me Now – Thompson Twins
As you can see, with a few exceptions, these songs all suck. I decided I needed to re-evaluate my original hypothesis. I now pose that all GOOD love songs are written about non-present women. To back up my new hypothesis I have compiled a list of GOOD love songs that are about pining.
1. Beast of Burden – Rolling Stones
2. Fake Plastic Trees – Radiohead
3. Mr.Brightsides – The Killers
4. I want you – The Beatles
5. Let’s Stay Together – Al Green
6. Lover You Should Have Come Over – Jeff Buckley
7. Just My Imagination – The Temptations
8. Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone – Bill Withers
9. Tangerine – Led Zepplin
10. Everthing Reminds Me of Her – elliot smith
11. Jesse’s Girl – Rick Springfield
12. Best Friends Girl – The Cars
13. Kiss – Prince
14. Hey – Pixies
15. El Scorcho – Weezer
16. Think about you – Guns n Roses
17. Just Like Heaven – The Cure
18. Ring of Fire – Johnny Cash
Cake’s “Jolene” poses a complication in my analysis. Although it is about a very real and present woman, it could be said to be a pining love song based on the fact he speaks of her as though she is leaving or lost. Anyway, he just sounds like he is pining. And please don’t forget the “YEAH? HUH! ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT, YEAH HUH, HUH, ALRIGHT, ALRIGHT!” Since I think it is a good love song I have decided that it is more piney than present. How’s that for reverse scientific method. I might as well be a Christian.
So to sum up this theory: relationship=bad love song whereas unrequited love=good love song. Based on this theory there ARE boys out there who feel this way about me, it’s just that I don’t like them.
Anyway, I am sure that all of this won’t stop me from
irrationally obsessing about the next boy who comes my way, but I stand by my earlier claim which is that I am a girl.
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